my first mother's day without you

This day was more difficult than I had anticipated.  There were many factors that may have contributed to me feeling very melancholy all week.  Your birthday was on the 9th, Mother's Day was Sunday, your public/family celebration was on the same day as Mother's Day and my hormones were a little wacky all week.  So, how much was the mixture of this that made me so downcast, I am not sure. All I know is that I thought MD would be pretty low key because I, after all, still have 3 other children that I am 'still' a mother too here on earth and they love me etc...however, I have really felt the acuteness of my precious boy not being here with us.  I felt like the fog lifted somewhat and I could 'feel' the loss a bit more. 
Oh how my mind tries to keep me in the dark as I loop around in my mind very quickly, all of the things that go with thinking of him and missing him.  It still all feels so unreal.  Where is that boy of ours?  Then I remember, he is in Heaven, happy and not missing us....what a relief but a sadness all at the same time....

Happy 16th Birthday..our first without you...

I posted tons of birthday wishes for you my dear boy all over carepages and facebook...how did I not post this here yesterday, May 9th, on your actual birthday!!!!!!!!?????????????

How can you really be gone?  How can I not see you?  Why didn't you walk downstairs and brighten our day?

We did it, we got through yesterday without loosing our minds.  Grandma Diane came over and she brought you a card. We ate your favorite foods all day.  We watched a movie, thinking of you.  We talked about you.  Oh how our hearts ache to know we will never hug you or kiss you or talk with you again on this fleshly earth.  How it eases our pain to know that we will see you again.  It is our only hope.  Our only way to stay sane.  Heaven seems so far away, seeing you again seems like it will be forever.  I know, I could be there with you at any moment.  I hope though that I can raise your siblings first.  They need me, I know you know that.  They need us.
I think about you and who you were.  You were such a happy, bright boy. You were special.  You just were wise beyond your years in so many wonderful ways.  You 'got' stuff.  I think of you and what you would think of many things that I do.  I know I can do some things again because you would truly want me/ us to.  You would not put up with us neglecting the littles or ourselves.
 Sometimes though, it is hard to breath or swallow for missing you so much. Sometimes I try to not think too 'deeply' about you...oh, you are always on my mind, never gone for a moment but sometimes I stop myself from remembering things too deeply, because it hurts so badly!
This seem so unreal...like we are in a fog and prayers and God's holy power is what keeps our minds somewhat protected from the heart wrenching reality of what has transpired.

It is what it is and I cannot let my brain get too twisted into thinking and figuring it all out or it will explode...we go back to the wonderful belief that your life had a purpose, one that we may not fully understand and that our minds cannot fully grasp the extent of it's purpose at this time.  We have to believe that God's way, His purpose and plans are beyond what our earthly minds can fathom.

 

Here is your 15th Birthday picture.  It is our last one of you on earth.  You were doing so well here, it breaks our hearts to think where you were last year, doing so well and now so much has changed.

We love you so much.  We miss you with all our hearts!  Have the best party ever in Heaven and I know you will be the best greeter of all the new kids in Heaven.

spring time...without you...

I spent some time in the yard recently.  The weather is still trying to warm up.  Sunday was beautiful.  How can I help but think of you even more than I always do when I smell the fresh mowed air, see the wind rustling the trees, hear the birds chirping and swirling about.  My mind was overwhelmed with missing you and remembering that your 'would have been 16th' birthday is coming up.
  As I finished up, I noticed the rhubarb plants lined up neatly in a row...through blurry eyes I noticed how nice and lush they are this year...they were calling out to me to harvest some them so I can make you your favorite special mama dish...Rhubarb Cake!  I think I will make this for you on your birthday.  Everyone loves it with the exception of one older brother. 
For your birthday we are making Strawberry Shortcake Cupcakes from scratch for the kids at school.  This will also be for your sister's bday that was not celebrated there as she was with you in the hospital and your brother's bday which is in the summer anyway, so this treat will be made with love, brought on your special day and shared with everyone for the three of you siblings.  This makes mama happy!  Making home made goodies, for you, thinking of you, makes this mama very happy!


Here's a good picture of you out enjoying Spring weather last year on your birthday.  Sorry you still had to wear a mask. You were so close to taking off outside.  Sometimes I wish we had snuck it off more often.

We love and miss you so much and see you in everything around you...although your being gone stings...we find ourselves completely unbelieving that it is real...that you are not here...that you still won't just walk downstairs and say good morning...

happy 4 months in Heaven sweetie

Happy 4 months in Heaven Braveheart!! We know you are precious in God's site to be there, in that perfect Place, so soon in your young life. We know that there are reasons behind of all this...things that we cannot even fathom with our earthly minds as to how this path has unfolded in our lives. Even though this would not have been our choice for you, we know that God gave us a great love for you, one that will never die. We find comfort in knowing there is some 'why' that we may never know but it is there and it is Heavenly and good.
The earth is still having trouble warming up around here without you running about with your bright smile, basking in your chair in the yard, but we keep encouraging it to go ahead and warm up...it's ok...B would have wanted us all to be warm..we tell it...I think it will get it's legs soon my dear boy...you don't have to worry about these things anymore where you are. You are basking in perfection!
We remember that Spring is your favorite season. We think of you as the daffodils bloom and the crocuses sprout through the ground and the tulips begin to show off...everything reminds us of you...I will still put in a garden because I know you would want it...I will plant beets just for you forever and imagine you weeding them with me....
Everywhere we look and everything we do, reminds us of you and your life here...the weekends reminding us of our fun family times...the boys talking about their latest adventures....oh..it was like you were right there in the kitchen with us and we could see how much you would be laughing that special laugh and rubbing your hands together like you do...so excited to interact with the topic...oh it is so fresh in my mind...it was hard to scoop out only 5 bowls of ice cream where there once were 6....you are missed my love..
Now your birthday is coming up soon...you will have been 16....we are trying to learn how to live without you...we are taking good care of your siblings as you would have wanted...but oh how we miss you...

Here is Braveheart exactly one year ago. He was feeling so much better, getting nice and fat cheeked from his medicine he had to take for is GVHD and he was able to come with the kid's school on a field trip to the River Museum. He tired easily, but he did very well. Oh...I remember it like yesterday.

visiting our son's grave

We went to our son's grave.  It was bitter sweet.  I hadn't really even thought of his grave much because the weather has been so cold and so snowy or so wet.  When a nice day finally hits, I realize that I should have gone. 
His body is there, not 'him', but when I stopped very quickly one morning I realized that it is still a place I want to make our own, showing the beauty and love that he held here on earth....still holds from us from afar....
So, the man and I went recently to walk around and decide what to do for now to beautify his place of rest.  You see, there is no grave marker yet, just this blank spot with an outline of where they cut the grass.  We are starting the process of getting the marker ordered.  We want to do it right and take our time. I think I am ready now to face this.
We love his spot. He is in the 'the old rugged cross' section which we love....he is back toward the ravine....where the birds chirp...it just seems right for his body...
We are grateful that he cares nothing of where is body is left...he is happy in Heaven...he has better things to do..

water bottle gone

This is going to seem stupid, but I am devastated.   I had to go to the local hospital for some routine preventative tests last week, which required me to drink lots of water.  I was currently using B's water bottle. Yes, the very one he used while he was on this earth the last year of his life.  A very nice water bottle.  It had his name etched into it and I was a little bit emotionally attached to having it with me, making it mine. 
While I was leaving said hospital, I must have left it there and not noticed because not until the next day did I figured out it was gone...gone...I called the next day....they looked...I was only two places....I am sad...it has made me grieve...
I just wasn't ready to give that up yet....I am ok...it's just a bottle..but oh how that frustrates me...

3 months

Here is my post from

It's hard to believe that it has been three whole months since we have put our arms around you here on earth. The weather has stayed so cold....somewhat reflective of life here without your warm smile and bright spirit. Last year at this time, you were out warming up in the sun...but now you are basking in something much more wonderful our dearly beloved boy...oh how our flesh desires to take you back into our arms, smothering you with kisses...dare I not have you back from Perfection...alas, the weather will warm, my son, our love for each other left here on earth tries to makes up enough warmth to replace what you took with you....that would make you happy...
We finally can see your grave site without the bitter cold and it is time to begin to place your marker. Your spirit is not there, but we will honor this place as one that has left his mark on this world, was loved and cared for.
This photo has us imagining you basking in His light...happy and never sad for one moment...we love you...