Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

brave music memory

 Just wanted to start writing down all kinds of memories I have of our Brave Boy.  Sunday, as I was getting ready for church, this song came on the radio and it reminded me very strongly of him.  A memory from several years ago popped into my head, one where I was driving the kids home from somewhere and this song came on and we were all just belting it out.  We all just knew this song and we were worshiping the Lord.  Braveheart knew this song too and he was not afraid to sing or belt out a tune.  I love that about him!!  I miss that about him!!!  Oh how I miss him so much.....so very much.....



Wednesday, February 20, 2013

the flu and a doctor visit

Me, the Man and Damsel all got the flu last week.  It was a doozer.  We had our sox knocked off badly.  So far, the oldest and Secret Agent are free from said flu.  So happy. 
Sometimes when I get it in my lungs I just need an inhaler to help out, but usually manage quite nicely without an antibiotic.  I try not to take one unless I truly need it.  I can't even remember when I have ever had one..it's been years.  When they try to give my healthy kids/ hubs one prophylacticly I usually substitute it with something natural and it works like a charm.  I wish I had something like that to cure children's cancer..oh how I wish.
It was a decent, quite trip to the doctor.  We switched to her from our old doc back in 2010, we went for a 'well check' to establish ourselves.  I wanted a doc that would see us in the hospital as well, but as I visited, I found out that is gone now too and likely will be the case for all of soon enough.  I remember discussing in some way or another, my son's fight with cancer, back then.
  Fast forward to last week.  The wait was not long in the waiting room, the nurse was nice enough, the Doctor was kind, even though I sat in the room for quite some time.  My case was easy.  She asked me about my symptoms...she assessed my lungs and my heart, my lymph glands.  She was friendly enough. 
I have to admit, I wondered, does she know? Does she know that my heart is broken?  Does she know about my precious boy?  Should I tell her?  Would she even care?  I thought, how do I bring it up? I am only here for my lungs.  I thought if she asks me how I am or how my son is, then I will tell her....
Nothing...
She read my file on her computer...was it there? Our discussion the last time I was here?  Did she wonder why I was away for nearly 2 1/2 years?  How I have been in this time?      

NO.....

I guess I am old fashioned in this way.  Maybe I expect too much.  I know from my own medical training history that it is important to assess the 'entire' patient...the whole being..it seemed important to me...I feel my loss ever so more acutely as illness permeates my physical body.

I fear that this new health care we are moving into will only open the door for more of this.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

6 weeks worth of tears...

It's been six weeks now, since I have wrapped my arms around you, snuggled next to you and played footsie or watched your bright smile. I remember this so clearly, even on your very last day here with us.  I didn't realize I would have so many, many tears to shed, yet they continue to come...more so this last week...
They said these harder days would come. We already talked about the waves, but now they are more spread out, lasting longer, still ebbing and flowing but all too ready to crash in on me when I least expect it. Last week was a such a 'good' week if it can ever be called that.  It gave me a taste of what better days ahead may look like. 
  It still seems like he should be here, just in the other room...oh how my mommy heart is breaking today...how it continues to ache more than I can articulate.  I think it doesn't help that I and my girl have been very ill, which keeps me less busy while we rest to recover....we are recovering but we would so appreciate your prayers for my sweet girl to heal up quickly, it's been a week now...it has hit her hard.
Oh....how she comforts me so sweetly....what a heart she has.  You see, I try to allow my grief to be normal in front of the kids, without letting it become the ruling force of my parenting them, but my girl has been home ill with me while I am ill and hormonal and so she has heard and seen my tears more than usual.  She always caresses me and encourages me.  Love her so much.  She thanks me for being here with her while she is ill.  I am in the right place.  I am glad to be alive, to be here with her and her brothers.   I know that there will be better days ahead.  We cling to our Savior.  We need your prayers. 

My friend Melissa shared a wonderful memory about our Braveheart today that melted my heart and many others of you have shared some, please feel free to leave me memories of him...if you feel lead to do so...it is part of our grieving....brings us great joy...

I thank you for all your prayers and support as we go through this process, we are allowing ourselves to grieve and it takes time...I am sure it will take the rest of our lives...thank you dear friends of Braveheart...he was our cuddle bug...
 
 
 

Friday, February 1, 2013

finding special things

A most wonderful thing happened to me last night while entering the boys room where Agent was playing a computer game with Damsel.  Damsel was playing on B's bed, which is still there of coarse and there on the floor was a shirt.  Not just any shirt, but a shirt that wasn't there before... Braveheart's shirt! Whoa! Yes, I mean, all his clothes have now been through the laundry and have been put away.  
Where did this come from?   I asked in amazement.  She replied that it was under the bed. Oh, my, who would have thought.  I loved that shirt on that boy.  He was so handsome in it.  He like to look nice.  He wore it often.  I didn't cry...I was just filled with joy.  I smelled it....soaked it in...it's like a little extra visit with him just for me...

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Why MAGNANIMOUS?

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.