Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Happy 16th Birthday..our first without you...

I posted tons of birthday wishes for you my dear boy all over carepages and facebook...how did I not post this here yesterday, May 9th, on your actual birthday!!!!!!!!?????????????

How can you really be gone?  How can I not see you?  Why didn't you walk downstairs and brighten our day?

We did it, we got through yesterday without loosing our minds.  Grandma Diane came over and she brought you a card. We ate your favorite foods all day.  We watched a movie, thinking of you.  We talked about you.  Oh how our hearts ache to know we will never hug you or kiss you or talk with you again on this fleshly earth.  How it eases our pain to know that we will see you again.  It is our only hope.  Our only way to stay sane.  Heaven seems so far away, seeing you again seems like it will be forever.  I know, I could be there with you at any moment.  I hope though that I can raise your siblings first.  They need me, I know you know that.  They need us.
I think about you and who you were.  You were such a happy, bright boy. You were special.  You just were wise beyond your years in so many wonderful ways.  You 'got' stuff.  I think of you and what you would think of many things that I do.  I know I can do some things again because you would truly want me/ us to.  You would not put up with us neglecting the littles or ourselves.
 Sometimes though, it is hard to breath or swallow for missing you so much. Sometimes I try to not think too 'deeply' about you...oh, you are always on my mind, never gone for a moment but sometimes I stop myself from remembering things too deeply, because it hurts so badly!
This seem so unreal...like we are in a fog and prayers and God's holy power is what keeps our minds somewhat protected from the heart wrenching reality of what has transpired.

It is what it is and I cannot let my brain get too twisted into thinking and figuring it all out or it will explode...we go back to the wonderful belief that your life had a purpose, one that we may not fully understand and that our minds cannot fully grasp the extent of it's purpose at this time.  We have to believe that God's way, His purpose and plans are beyond what our earthly minds can fathom.


Here is your 15th Birthday picture.  It is our last one of you on earth.  You were doing so well here, it breaks our hearts to think where you were last year, doing so well and now so much has changed.
We love you so much.  We miss you with all our hearts!  Have the best party ever in Heaven and I know you will be the best greeter of all the new kids in Heaven.

2 comments:

Beth in IL said...

Thought of you today while I was jogging. Praying for peace and healing for you. God bless.

Tonya said...

Jogging? Wow, girl. Thanks for your prayers, couldn't do it without them.

Let me know about your library, should we go for the Six Flags day??

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Why MAGNANIMOUS?

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.