Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

4 weeks too long my darling son

Today it's been 4 weeks since Braveheart left us for a better, holy place. Knowing this makes us happy, makes the pain ache less some of the time, gives us hope and comfort, but we are yet flesh and blood and God did make us mamas and daddas with such a very powerful love for our own little ones didn't He? That being the case, I wish I could say that it takes all the pain away, but alas....it just does not. That's ok. He knows that, so thankful for tears that can release a flood of anguish and heartache.

I so appreciate writing.  Through writing I can work through and express my grief. We all grieve differently. I can see a difference in each of my children. Their grieving is personal.  They are all more quiet about it.  Children grieve differently I am being told.  So far, I believe it.  I am so grateful for knowing 'Truths' that we can tell them, so they can be sure that Brother is ok.  So they are not worried about where he is....they know he is totally safe and good.  Serving his King.
 My man and I have been to bereavement counseling twice now.  We went to see if we would find it beneficial.  So far we have found it to be quite helpful in just being able to share out loud and the counselor has returned with some helpful insights to us.
Oh how my thoughts are so unable to be expressed upon this media or any other.  My mind is all jumbled up with memories, regrets, joys, answered prayers, hard work, sadness, love, emptiness.  Yes, emptiness is my new feeling that overwhelms me.  Achiness is another.  My heart aches.  They say that in time it will get easier but that the pain never really goes away.  The double edge sword is that one feels like you must one must 'not' think of him in order to stop hurting, but then you hurt if you try not to think of him, then you simply must think of him because there is a deep need to remember some specific, real moment.  Ugh.
  I am thankful and amazed at how wonderful everyone of you have been. Being left, even encouraged to grieve as needed, not told pat, condescending retorts that only hurt, not running when asked how I am while sometimes they get an honest earful.....just loving us. Missing our precious boy along with us.
We miss our dear sweet Braveheart boy; there is a void that will never be filled until we reach Glory one day ourselves. For now, we plug along, drawing near to God, who draws near to us and to each other in our new normal. The waves still crash....still ebb....we go on living......and loving.....

Sunday, January 20, 2013

WAVES~~~~~~~~~~

If I had to choose just one word to describe this process, I think it would have to be ~WAVES~.  The emotions and feelings and memories come in WAVES...   Sometimes you are on a wave, drifting, bouncing..trying to reach out for something solid or something important about our Braveheart...only, one can not quite 'reach' it or articulate the words to describe how it feels...sometimes the waves move you forward, sometimes backward. Sometimes you just stand there and let the waves crash over you and feel the flood release of waves flowing down your cheeks. 

It's been just over 2 weeks and I must admit that I am feeling the absence of our dear Brave Boy more acutely than ever this last week.  Having known him for 15 years, he is truly a part of our lives that has been yanked away.  The other day the children were packing their lunches and there was two bags of Doritos in the chips drawer.  They knew these were off limits because they were Braveheart's chips.  No one even asked for them.  As I heard them shuffling around I told them they could each have one of the bags of Doritos.  (Wave rushing over me)  Of coarse it's logical, automatic...he will not be eating them...but oh...how feelings rushed over me..another reminder that my dear boy was not here and his things will slowly begin to leave our home.  That is one reason I try so hard to take it slow...removing things I mean...he is part of this home, we see and feel him in all the things he left behind...the things he never 'finished'.  The realness is settling in and making it's home.  

In one difficult day, we were cleaning up and I came across B's sandals and shoes that he wore every day.  I hadn't had any reason to encounter them for the first two weeks after he left us.  Oh was that hard.  These weren't just shoes we bought this year or even last year.  His feet hadn't grown over the past year and half so was he was in these shoes for quite some time.  The sandals were a regular part of our easy slip-ons at the hospital.  In addition, I was just running into many of his things over and over,  then to top off all of the 'at home' moments,  I decided to return a pair of pants that he never had a chance to wear at a department store.  That was hard enough, then while I was there, I remembered him asking to go out and walk and shop for Christmas.  There he had been, right where I was walking....is he just around the corner waiting for me to catch up?  This was just a month ago that we were here......This is how I think now.  Pre-Braveheart?  Braveheart memory? Ohhhh...

That night there was a good talk and cry with my sweet hubby, whom I am so thankful for.  So tender does he comfort me, while I know he is wishing so hard that nothing will set him off.  So glad for how much we love each other.  So thankful for the way God just puts barriers around my brain so I don't lose my sanity, even though my mind still isn't easily turned off.  Thankful for all those that pray and help us work through our grief.  Trying daily to draw near to Him......just quiet....missing our precious boy...

Monday, January 14, 2013

nearly two weeks and boy do we miss you our 'Braveboy'

Here is what I posted last week on my facebook page.

 It has been just over a week since Bryce has been happily working in Heaven doing something fun and important. These are the thoughts that bring us comfort during times that our hearts are broken. It is a break that is not easily mended, but the prayers and love you all have shown us make a huge difference. Letting me post and remember our boy and work through the grief is a monumental help to this mama, personally. It is still unbelievable, unreal in so many ways. Isn't he just upstairs playing the ps3?
  It seems that it helps to just let the waves of grief come and go, hug each other up and work through the hard times that come...like when Bryce's clothes that he wore every day comes through in the laundry. Where is that precious boy who filled them so sweetly???

 Oh how my heart ached for parents that lost a child, oh how I empathized with them and prayed for them but oh how one can never quite know the whole way of it until you lose your own child....the many thoughts that jumble up your brain...the strange times your eyes well up with tears. I don't know much, this has never happened to me before so it is all new. This week or day is different than the ones last week or the day before...

 Yesterday, we went to church, just the 4 of us...our oldest is out of town and often gone with work and will likely be moving out of the nest fully at some point soon...it is so strange...sitting there, just us...'our family of 4'...it feels a bit like we went from 4 children to 2 in a matter of days. It's an adjustment. Although it does not make us miss our dear boy less, we are so very thankful for having our other children to love and care for and to make up some long lost time and attention.
As we sat there, a song came on, many good songs came on, but I found myself not singing the way I usually do...my heart just wasn't in it...I imagined Bryce belting out a tune..if you knew him you will laugh because you would know that he did that..he loved to sing and he wasn't shy for a second...and I was thankful for my dear other boy Secret Agent who was able to cheer me up with his bright singing. Back to that 'one' song...here are a part of the lyrics:

I'm lost without you,
 I'm lost without you.
 I'm desperate for you.
 I'm desperate for you
 this is the air I breathe
 this is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This song is about our Lord God, but I couldn't help relating the words to my feelings of losing one so precious...because we do feel a little lost and a little desperate at times...realizing as I sang in my heart that this is truly the air we breath right now...it is like that...it is the air our family and many other families breath...but thankfully..His holy presence is living in us...helping us breath....your prayers cover us...we can feel them...thank you.


Braveheart with his daddy last year...love this photo.
I will leave you with a well said quote from a blog I have been encouraged by in reading, but I will insert Braveheart's name and slightly change it up for my own personal meaning. Love it.

 “I (we) would not move forward if it meant leaving Braveboy behind....No, I (we) do not leave him behind and “move on”, I (we) move forward, with all 4 children....one running a bit ahead…just out of sight.”

Doesn't that just give you goose pimples??

Thursday, January 10, 2013

it's been a week since I

Yesterday it's been a week since I saw your sweet face... a week since I have lain beside your warmth... a week since I tenderly caressed your soft face or heard you call me 'mother'.... a week since I smelled your very furry hair... a week since I rubbed your precious feet.... We have been thinking of you often and of all the things we miss about you our dear precious son....

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

we will miss you with aching hearts until we see you in heaven

Our precious...precious boy is with Jesus..............

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Why MAGNANIMOUS?

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.