Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Friday, March 29, 2013

March is almost over

This was a strange week.  We have been riddled with so many illnesses and different things going on around here and the weather has been so cold this year.  Spring is sad that Bryce isn't here on earth and is having trouble warming up.  :)
Sunday started out sorta hard as Glenn I had to really work hard to see a video in Sunday School that was part of a wonderful series we are studying, but it focused on the funeral of the main character.  In that it showed a man who spoke regarding the loss of his young son the year before. Oh, my that was hard.  But it was good.  Then we sang IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL in church.  I appreciated it though.  This was one of the songs from B's funeral.
Another challenge/ milestone was our first family get together with my mom's side for my Grandmother's B-day which included cousins and aunts and uncles, other was interesting to see how things were, who spoke to me/us and about what.  I won't go into details but it was an 'ok' night.  It was a bit emotional though, seeing everyone and knowing Bryce wasn't there.  It made me sad because he would have loved it.  I had a good cry on the way home that evening.  I couldn't help it.  It felt good.  It was healing.  My Agent boy was very loving to me, showing me how much he has grown into a fine young man these days, answers to prayer.  This has all been so hard on him.
Now it is Good Friday, so we remember our Savior, his death, what He did for us on the cross.  Maybe this is a big day in Heaven?  Do they celebrate?  Oh how happy I am to know he is up there filled with joy!  We could not go on without this hope.
We love and miss you our dear boy.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

more memories without you

This weekend we went out of town to a basket ball tournament for the Littles.  We stayed an extra night so we could just hang as a family.  It was another milestone since we come here every year but not always with the hubs.  On the way home we stopped to see a magnificent cave.  It was a wonderful experience, one that we will now add to our memories of just four of us.  Our oldest is still around but he is in 'ready to leave the nest' mode and is often not with us for these types of events anymore.
Usually I take the kids, stay with a friend and daddy is home with B.  This time he was not waiting for us when we got home.  Even though he doesn't usually go, he was there one year when he was quite little, or more recently, I would be calling to check on him, thinking of him often.  Then, how strange it was to be making more memories without him.  Every picture that I accumulate will no longer include precious lovely boy.

Oh how thankful I am for the love of these three kiddos I have left.  My love for them gives me purpose.  Hope.  Fulfillment.  They need me..there mama.  Our love for each other keeps my torn heart from feeling quite as tries to reach around and fill up the empty spaces..although it's task is never completed to it's fullest intent.  There are places that B has left behind, empty in my heart, torn away...but yet he will always be there too.  No one can take that away...not his memories nor my love for him...
To top it all off, I have been dealing with yet another illness.  So, while grieving, I got the upper respiratory flu, then the extreme fatigue, then the stomach bug...which I thought was better until it hit me hard all weekend of our trip with moments of brief reprieve.  Yikes.  All this within 2 1/2 months of B going to Heaven.  It is a bit of a mountain for me, but I am still climbin'.
Missing you my brave boy.....even though I know you are happy and never heart is feeling you gone...
My hubs said something quite profound today at our bereavement meeting when asked if he felt he had lost joy which was appropriate to what we were discussing at the time.....he said he didn't feel as much that he had lost joy as he had 'gained sadness'.  You see, he had never really been sad like this before, not truly!
I love that man.  I am going to keep him.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

my first birthday without you

Sat. was my birthday.  I am 43 years old.  I did ok.  There were lots of business to keep me occupied.  Oh how I wish I could have called him down for his portion of cake.  I have 15 years of memories of giving him his portion of cake or dinner.  I have often baked in the kitchen, sometimes he would help too, then calling him down.  I know that once, when he was little, I would call him from playing outdoors, with his siblings, but mainly, this last few years....from his spot upstairs, playing video games.
Here is what I posted on my carepage:

My birthday marks the first of a series of our family birthdays in our sweet little family. Oh so bittersweet does today leave me. For today is not just the day of my birth and the first one without our dear Brave boy, but it also, as the 2nd, marks 2 months since he has been on earth!
Oh how death doth sting....for us here on earth...
Missing our boy at every turn but finding love and comfort in our Savior and our dear family left here on earth as we comfort and move toward one another, held by your prayers and dear close friends that love us.
1 Corinthians
54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
56 The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
57 But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.
Braveheart's labor was not in vain...he now is Victorious!!

Love you and missed you my birthday sweetie.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

washing away

I think one of the hardest thing for any parent but I can attest 'tis true for me, is what I am calling 'the washing away' affect.  You see, when our boy went to Heaven, his clothes went through the wash and haven't come through again.  His fingerprints were on the table where he sat to eat each day, but they have been washed away...

 I haven't washed my wood floor in the family room, in quite some time, well before B went to Heaven.  There I was the other night, finally washing and scrubbing all the dirt away under the table.  I assure you, it was much needed.  Eventually, my mop made it's way under the spot where he sat, his seat....still his seat to us.  Who would have thought it could be so emotional but all I could think was that his food crumbs and shoe scuffs are gone now!  Washed away!!  I just wiped away his lost cells. It may seem silly to you but I though of the many skin cells he must have shed here.  As I wiped, I had this intense feeling, no, a intense reminder of him being a 15 year old boy who lived in this house.  His presence was strong here.  He was part of our home.  He was here, living here, gathering 'things' as we humans do.  I wiped away some of that which was left there under that table.  

I can look around and see many things that will be 'washed away' time goes on we will be washing away the evidence of his existence.  It is inevitable.  One day, I will throw away his toothbrush in our drawer...his favorite foods that are in our fridge are gone now, meals I had made for him to day his favorite shows that we watched together will be over and gone,  things that he was doing cards that he didn't get a chance to day we will go through his part of the boys room and remove much of what was there...don't get me wrong, I will be saving many special will all be in my Brave Boy Box.  I will go to this box and have a good I can touch his things and just remember more fully what it was like to have him here, to touch and smell him...

Meanwhile, we continue to grieve and miss our boy.  We will find ways to make his presence felt here with us always. We know he is in our hearts.  We will always have many of his photos and many of his artistic creations continue to be about the house, forever.  His 15 year old face frozen in time forever. Oh how I want to look upon his sweet face always.

Miss you dear one....

Here he is in 'his spot' in Dec of 2011 soon after getting home from a long hospital
stay after, his transplant in Sept.

Friday, March 1, 2013

a year of firsts....

This year will be a long year of firsts for our family. Firsts of everything without our dear Brave boy. I have found this to be particularly difficult for me when I remember how far we had come last year. Each day a memory pops up that reminds me of what we were doing last year, how hopeful we were and how alive he was, even though we had one issue pop up after another. Today, Feb 28th, last year, 2012, we came HOME after two weeks of inpatient therapy to treat a Cytomegalovirus with IV meds. We had to watch him closely for fluid overload etc. Here are the only pics I have of him from Feb. We took a walk with our friends Kristina, Christopher and  Aly down the long halls our hospital, watching the night construction.  It was a good, happy stay, it's when we met our dear friend Luke as well. Cancer was far from our mind at this time. It hurts that he is gone now. 
 Thanks for your sustaining prayers.


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Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.