my first mother's day without you

This day was more difficult than I had anticipated.  There were many factors that may have contributed to me feeling very melancholy all week.  Your birthday was on the 9th, Mother's Day was Sunday, your public/family celebration was on the same day as Mother's Day and my hormones were a little wacky all week.  So, how much was the mixture of this that made me so downcast, I am not sure. All I know is that I thought MD would be pretty low key because I, after all, still have 3 other children that I am 'still' a mother too here on earth and they love me etc...however, I have really felt the acuteness of my precious boy not being here with us.  I felt like the fog lifted somewhat and I could 'feel' the loss a bit more. 
Oh how my mind tries to keep me in the dark as I loop around in my mind very quickly, all of the things that go with thinking of him and missing him.  It still all feels so unreal.  Where is that boy of ours?  Then I remember, he is in Heaven, happy and not missing us....what a relief but a sadness all at the same time....