i'm giving in....

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender


Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly





Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

feeling better today

Wow, what a crazy week last week going to the hospital at least 3 times and trying to get little ones off to school and organized and then still keep Braveheart and his school going. We are trying to chug along like normal between all this. I feel like it is very important. He is feeling better with cystitis issues edging toward normal. Giving him shots, hooking up fluids at night, unhooking at night, moral support at night, drawing blood, talking with docs on phone, pushing fluids, feeding foods to strengthen him...this is our normal right now..

death is real....

A boy died today. A boy I have seen up at the hospital, walking around, bald. He seemed pleasant enough. I didn't really get a chance to know him. My time there is fleeting unlike the many that are there for months and develop a deep bond. We have developed some too, but it is just interesting how many people just end up never really knowing each other there. I wish I could have known him. He was 13 years old friends!! Braveheart is 14. This boy looked full of life when I saw him in the hall talking with the nurses. He lost his battle with cancer. I don't know his whole story but I know he had a transplant. Why do I have to see so many sad cases lately??? Can I maintain hope in healing with all that surrounds me? Can I point the way to a Christ that loves us and is strong and supernatural?? I want to wake up now....I want to.....

"be still and kow that I am God"

I am really starting to hate my blog. I ran out of pics on Picasso and can't seem to delete any and I don't really know what I am doing and my counter is gone. It's crazy! My life is crazy! Everything is so surreal right now.
We got B's scans back and all looked good. Then the initial bone marrow and it looks good too!! I should be so happy and believe me I am so happy. I am praising God. But I do feel strange. Sometimes it feels like a dream. We have to fight this BK virus that has given him hemorrhagic cystitis. There is a weird sense of just resting..."be still and know that I am God". It is a good place to be because if we are to get out of this transplant, which is not my favorite thing to do but my only option we have left other than God just healing him done right now this minute which we still believe for every day, then God will simply have to direct every detail to do that. My mind cannot even conjure up any more ways that LITTLE 'OL ME can do it.

2nd round at hospital

We are here on our second round of this mix of therapy. We will have these three chemo drugs for 5 days then go home. We had a good visit from the onc doc today. It seems like B is doing very well with this chemo. I hate giving him chemo, but there is no choice. This 'batch' has been better on him than any he has had before. We are on this. GOD has this one.
The doc on call just happened to be the one in charge of the transplants, so that was nice and I was able to ask some questions regarding the transplant. Actually, it didn't just happen, I prayed about it. I love it when that happens. We will have a big meeting prior to BMT also, so we will know all about it. They were going to go straight to transplant but this doc was talking about a possibility of maybe doing one more round if he keeps doing this well to get him in a deeper remission. Deeper remission means there will be more cancer cells destroyed, the ones you can't see, so hopefully more chance of the BMT succeeding. I know there will be some amazing results as B goes through this.
I know some mom's up here. So many sad stories. So many good stories. So many relapses. So many new diagnoses! 1 child in 320 will be diagnoses with cancer EACH DAY! No one is immune. Children are not the same as adults. They don't get cancer because they ate too much junk their whole life etc...yes all that helps keep it away and helps everyone's life in general, but I truly believe that there is something big that happens that causes cancer in them, like a mix of the right conditions such as virus, molds, parasites, food intake and pesticides all in different scenarios depending on the kid, the location, the cancer etc...
I can't and don't try to figure it out, it is too big for my brain, especially now. Ugh. But God is good and supplies all our needs and is always giving peace and comfort.
Believing for healing,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

giving blood the easy way

I will admit that I have a very hard time giving blood. I get icky feeling for most of the day. I know they say to drink lots of water, but I always think I do. I haven't given as much lately due to this and the stress involved with my own child being ill. Now, however, I was feeling so good the other day and B had to get blood in the hospital, so I said, why not get on it again?!! I determined to drink starting the day before. I also added powdered greens to my water to build volume and make my blood nice and healthy. It was a peace of cake. They made me drink juice during the donation. I drank all night. I felt GREAT!! I encourage you to go out and do it. If you never have, now is the time. It could be your son or daughter next having a need for this. Accidents happen. Blood saves my son's life while in treatment. Thank you to those of you who take the time. Blessings upon you in Jesus' name.
PS: THEY NEED MEN TO DONATE JUST PLATELETS, SO THE RECIPIENT CAN GET ALL THE SAME CELLS. THEY ARE FINDING AN INFECTION IN WOMAN, SO THEY PREFER MEN. GO GET YOU STRONG ABLE BODIED MEN!!

more blood and platelets

We will go in tomorrow for red cells and platelets. They are still trying to figure out the plan for sure so I have no idea if we are being admitted or not at this point. B felt much better Monday after a rough weekend coming off the prednisone and all his counts dropping etc...
We are trying to build him up so he can handle all the chemo. His kidney test is all better now that the prednisone is out. So glad to see that.
Just sitting back waiting on the Lord as He directs everything. There are so many weird feelings and yet so much peace at the same time.
Life goes on as usual though around me. Cars go by, people stay busy, babies are born, kids still need their mamas and papas. Meanwhile, there is this annoying cell that keeps invading. But God is bigger than that as we keep believing there is complete healing.

"We just have to get this last thing mom."

Love that boy....

raising dragons

Braveheart is getting quite swollen in his face and bloated from the meds. He only has less than a week to take that, we are glad to report. Tuesday I took the 2 littles and their friends to the discount pool night and let them swim. B got his much awaited date night with dad. They went pee wee golfing. B reported later that they had a really good time. Last night we watched HOW TO TRAIN YOU DRAGON together. Me and the man have never seen it yet. It was so good!
This morning B was up reading a great book. RAISING DRAGONS BY BRYAN DAVIS. He is a Christian Fiction writer. Dylan enjoyed that series when he was young and now Damsel picked it up at the library and can't put it down easily. So, I was pleasantly surprised that B was farther along than she. We highly recommend that series. This series is listed as 9-12 years. He has other series that are YA.

We go for more chemo tomorrow. Prayers are welcome. The days are surreal here, waiting and enjoying each other. Planning for what is coming. God has given great peace. B is ready this time around. I still wish that this wasn't what must be done. Either way I am believing that God will do a great healing testimony through this. I am at peace. We just wait, believe and stand in faith and see God work. It is odd how calm and normal things are around here. We have kept all the summer activities to a minimum as well. It's almost like nothing is happening in a weird kind of way.

Well, hug your kidlets and I will be back to muse about my days getting ready for transplant...