4 years gone by.....

4 YEARS.....on Jan 2nd, 2017.

How can it be? I know I am late. I have to write when I am ready. I am ready today. How is it that you have not been here, with us, for 4 years???

Our hearts are still broken. We think of you every single day. We love you!!

We WILL see you again my precious one.

19 years

19 years since you entered this world,
fast and furious, because that is your way,
you were incredible, a treasure to keep,
I will always look back, with love on that day......




It was Braveheart's 19th birthday yesterday. It is mind blowing. How does one describe what it is like to live without your own flesh and blood...one's child that one birthed, cherished, loved....

We miss you every single day.

Love mama and daddy.

Happy Birthday to our sweet boy, who would have been 18 years old. We enjoyed imagining all of the amazing things you would be doing this year.

We love you and miss you so much! 

We know you are having fun in Heaven, with your Savior.

thoughtful thursday: spring

What Spring does to my heart.....

Everything reminds me of my brave boy, every day. Spring, however, is a special reminder for many reasons. 
1. Spring was B's favorite season. I clearly remember him stating this often.
2. The flowers are blooming. Life is returning to the earth, replacing the dark, dreary, cold, brown earth of the winter. Thus, each flower, as it begins to flourish, reminds me of God's creation, our hope, and B's love of the outdoors...his appreciation of it's beauty.
3. B was a May baby. His is the first birthday of the year, out of all of our children. As a result, the blooming tulips and lilacs are to me as a welcoming committee and an announcement of his birthday each year. It's as if God is making things beautiful, just for us!

Think of that. God makes things beautiful...that is one of our favorite songs, which became the music to our video that we made of B and his journey, shortly after he left us for Heaven. As I wrote that above, it really hit me...we have found a beautiful thing in this. In fact, we have found many beautiful things. 

What beautiful to do you see in your loss? 

Look for it..it is there.... 

2 years without you....

How can it be 2 years without you??

Our love for you is ever deep.

We miss you more than we could ever describe.
I have few words today...but that you are deeply missed our dear precious one.

We went to visit the bird watch memorial today with Grandma and took some pictures.

See you in Heaven my love!!

spring, birthdays, mother's day

What a busy, fantastic, amazing, bittersweet weekend filled with many milestones.  

Our Braveheart's 17th birthday was amazing. I spent all day making his favorite cakes..that would be strawberry butter cream cake and rhubarb cake. (fresh cut from the garden and fresh ground berries)

That same evening we held an event to celebrate our boy's birthday  at a Trivia Night for his fellow Boy Scouter who is raising money for his Eagle Scout project. We held it at our church and we had a great turn out! 

 This project will be dedicated to Braveheart as a memorial!!  This project just oozes our boy. It will be a bird observation deck. Many of you know how much he loved birds and bird watching. How can I express the blessing it is to our family to have so many people show up to support this project and remember our boy's special day and then to know he will have a special memorial in our city?

Next, it was Mother's Day. I was loved on by my kiddos left here on earth, but oh do we miss our dear one.  We fancied up his grave site for Spring, personalizing it just for him. That is pleasing to the soul.

It is bittersweet........

Just a taste of the beautiful blooms popping up around me, reminding me of my precious one until I see him again in Heaven.

Braveheart's 17th Birthday

Happy 17th birthday to our precious Braveheart in Heaven. 

We love and miss you so much. 

Hugs and kisses all the way to Heaven.

See you when we get there.

Oh man, I love those blue eyes.

Heavenly Series

Chip Ingram is a great bible teacher. Here is his series on Heaven. I don't know for sure how long it will be available for free to listen to online. I find it very comforting to listen to all I can about Heaven, what Braveheart is doing, what it's like for him, until we get there one day.

http://livingontheedge.org/series/heaven/daily-radio 

wordfew wednesday

Ahhhh......here's a little encouragement....Spring is finally here. 

I am giddy with excitement, to see this marvelous little tiny flower poking through the grass.

Where have all my crocuses gone? Can they stop popping out of the ground?

Spring was Braveheart's favorite season. This I knew for sure. He has said it so many times. The Earth is teeming with life, always moving forward, even though my sweet boy is not here with us. Everything, as I look around, reminds me of him. His absence is still felt acutely. 

My husband and I often remind each other, like a blanket of comfort, that B is enjoying a perpetual Spring, in Heaven, happy as ever, serving his King.
It is fascinating how one can long to live, to care for those left to us here, love one another and yet, I can't wait to get to that Glorious forever home to be with a dear one, missing from our hearts.

1 year in Heaven

I know I am late....I should have done this on the 2nd but I communicate more on facebook when it comes to all the milestones of our Braveheart being in Heaven.  Christmas was hard....good, because we have such a wonderful family still left here on earth, but unbelievably hard...I guess it was an added weight due to the fact that it was Christmas and that his year anniversary was coming and now has went....  I must admit that I was not in the spirit as we once were during our favorite holiday.  I usually blast the home with Christmas songs and bake and this year I just couldn't play it as often.  My daughter turned it on the most and that was ok, but most of them made me sad and reminded me of Braveheart.  I think the kids may have felt a small difference but not in the way of neglecting them or anything of that nature.
It felt much like the first year was a hazing blur of tears and numbness just like they say....keeping busy taking care of the other kiddos. It felt like God put these protective walls up so that we couldn't swallow it all at once..because if we did, we would just die....
Lately, I have felt as if the walls have slowly began to come down, as if God is allowing us to process more and more of the truth and pain of it.  I have to live the rest of my life on this earth without my precious boy!!!
Something that makes us happy is knowing he is truly in Heaven with Jesus and has no tears and we still have these amazing kids here on earth, and me and the hubs, well, we have each other, which is a huge blessing. And of coarse, we have Jesus, which makes it all worth while, which gives us the hope that we will see our boy again one day.

We love and miss you so much son.  See you in Heaven one day, then our hearts will be ok again....

9 months in Heaven~~~~~

Lamentations 3:21-22

King James Version (KJV)

21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.


We miss you our beloved and we can't wait to see you again!

missing you so

Sometimes life is so busy, but I never stop thinking of you ever! So many memories of you and all the things we did over your life but especially the last year and half that we fought so exhaustively hard you here.  When I drive around, it is like you are there, in my mind, nearly each song reminding me of you, yet I know that if I let my thoughts drift too far then I will lose it....
It's ok to cry and I do, but sometimes one just doesn't want to cry...especially if you are around other people.  I just can't believe you are gone!!  I..we..your daddy and I miss you so very much that it hurts.
Starting home schooling is weird. Now we are a different busy and we can do some more of the activities with other kids, yet I feel strange. I don't always know who knows you are gone. Some people act weird around me or don't know what to say.  Not many people say horrible bad things...I am thankful for that as I have heard some doozies from other people.  I marvel at the unfriendliness of a few that I have tried to befriend.  Oh how my heart is broken in a billion pieces, yet I go on....I go on with a purpose and yet a very real disconnect to this earth and why we are even here.  Heaven and Eternity are my longing, knowing that bad things happen on this broken earth, not knowing all of the why, but being ok with that for now.  So thankful for my other kiddos here on earth to love.
How does one go on whilst one's heart is broken into a million pieces. God holds each piece together each day. He captures my tears.
I often think of the 2 1/2 years we had him before younger siblings came along, I think of what he was like when he was little, such a good boy with a huge heart, such a talker...I used to tell my oldest son that one day he would miss his brother chatting him up in the morning. He does.

I think about how much we wanted him when we got pregnant with him after waiting for so long so hubs could go to school.  I think about how strange it is to have known this amazing young man for 15 years and 7 months and that he had to leave us and how sad it makes me....I got to know him, be with him, care for him, watch him almost die so often then defy the odds, but eventually the sting of death took hold...Heaven is his home now...this boy that I have loved these 15 years is gone...I watched him in his last moments on earth....I watched him sing to the Lord that very day....I held him long after he was gone...

Oh do I miss him so......

August one year ago

Things were really starting to go well now.  His ankle was better. He was very tired but life was good.  He was starting to show a little bit of kidney stress though around this time.  Scans were coming up and so was his one year anniversary of his transplant.  It can be so hard to look back and think of what we were doing and see now where we are without him.  Here he is visiting the Hoppers Flying Team. We miss you so much my love.

Well, I can't count...

Ok, now it has been 6 months..how did I miss count that?  It already feels like forever, why was I so mistaken?  It doesn't matter because it doesn't change the fact that I still can't get my hands on my sweet second born child.  I wish I could better express here some of the many thoughts that fly in and out of my brain when it comes to my sweet boy.  My companion through thick and thin.
I am thankful for all the clues God left in His book to help us to know about Heaven, so until I get to visit him there one day, I will just smile when I think of his joy there.
Love you my son.

further up and further in.....

Spoiler Alert...end of THE LAST BATTLE of the Narnia Series.....

"The dream has ended: this is the morning. As He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and so beautiful that I cannot write them. And for us, this is the end of all the stories and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the REAL STORY. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” 
Amen to that. We miss you Brave boy and we will see you again soon, in the blink of an eye.................

You may not quite understand how significant this is for me but God gives me little bits of hope throughout my days...encouragements you know...
The two littles and I went to a practicum for Classical Conversations; three days of encouragement.  I am more fired up about our upcoming homeschool year than I was before I went and that was pretty fired up. Indecisive about a few details, but fired up... 
We had been listening to this whole series on Narnia in the van over the last month or so. Such a great series.  Braveheart loved this series.  Daddy read the whole series to the kids when they were little. Damsel doesn't even remember this, she was so young.  Then Brave boy would listen often as he grew up or while recovering from chemo in the earlier years of his treatment.  It was like a healing, memory, honoring thing to do with our boy/ brother in mind. Loved it.  So right at the end of our 3 days on the way home we finished and my heart was soaring.....he has begun Chapter One of the Great Story..the best story ever to come!! Can't wait to join him one day.
It just made my broken heart have some bits of joy surging through it.

Love him...

Miss him so much...

6 months...you have been gone

June 2 marks 6 months since we have had our dear sweet Brave boy with us here on earth. This time last year he was feeling pretty good while enjoying a ride in the Med Vac, celebrating his Grandma's wedding a couple weeks before that and his older brother's birthday June 1st. Oh how each memory from last year is seared into my mind. How can it have been 6 months now? How can I not have hugged you good night, prayed with you or spoke some wonderful words with you my love...?
We love and miss you so much dear one....
We thank all of you that continue to pray for us, please don't stop....

graduate season

sitting at the recital, the music is so powerful
feelings overwhelm me, I can't help but think of you
what will never be,  one day

thoughts of you, coming in bursts
like a juicy blueberry, explodes in mouth
this is what it looks like in my brain
too many thoughts to navigate

 friendships so tight, many thanks given
reminders of old friends, a way of life now gone
who would that have been for you?
remember? you were well then, all was right in the world

this is a day that we will never celebrate with you
no displays of your courage or the battles you fought
the piano keys will not feel your fingertip's press
no thanks given for all who have contributed to your life

this could have been you
if you were still on this earth
one day in the near future,
I 'feel' acutely, what I will have missed

 a tear must flow, it cannot be helped
feeling your absence, my heart beats on,
trying to ignore that part that burns, longing for you
so many things you missed, while fighting for your life
 yet so much more gained..........for eternity

my first mother's day without you

This day was more difficult than I had anticipated.  There were many factors that may have contributed to me feeling very melancholy all week.  Your birthday was on the 9th, Mother's Day was Sunday, your public/family celebration was on the same day as Mother's Day and my hormones were a little wacky all week.  So, how much was the mixture of this that made me so downcast, I am not sure. All I know is that I thought MD would be pretty low key because I, after all, still have 3 other children that I am 'still' a mother too here on earth and they love me etc...however, I have really felt the acuteness of my precious boy not being here with us.  I felt like the fog lifted somewhat and I could 'feel' the loss a bit more. 
Oh how my mind tries to keep me in the dark as I loop around in my mind very quickly, all of the things that go with thinking of him and missing him.  It still all feels so unreal.  Where is that boy of ours?  Then I remember, he is in Heaven, happy and not missing us....what a relief but a sadness all at the same time....

Happy 16th Birthday..our first without you...

I posted tons of birthday wishes for you my dear boy all over carepages and facebook...how did I not post this here yesterday, May 9th, on your actual birthday!!!!!!!!?????????????

How can you really be gone?  How can I not see you?  Why didn't you walk downstairs and brighten our day?

We did it, we got through yesterday without loosing our minds.  Grandma Diane came over and she brought you a card. We ate your favorite foods all day.  We watched a movie, thinking of you.  We talked about you.  Oh how our hearts ache to know we will never hug you or kiss you or talk with you again on this fleshly earth.  How it eases our pain to know that we will see you again.  It is our only hope.  Our only way to stay sane.  Heaven seems so far away, seeing you again seems like it will be forever.  I know, I could be there with you at any moment.  I hope though that I can raise your siblings first.  They need me, I know you know that.  They need us.
I think about you and who you were.  You were such a happy, bright boy. You were special.  You just were wise beyond your years in so many wonderful ways.  You 'got' stuff.  I think of you and what you would think of many things that I do.  I know I can do some things again because you would truly want me/ us to.  You would not put up with us neglecting the littles or ourselves.
 Sometimes though, it is hard to breath or swallow for missing you so much. Sometimes I try to not think too 'deeply' about you...oh, you are always on my mind, never gone for a moment but sometimes I stop myself from remembering things too deeply, because it hurts so badly!
This seem so unreal...like we are in a fog and prayers and God's holy power is what keeps our minds somewhat protected from the heart wrenching reality of what has transpired.

It is what it is and I cannot let my brain get too twisted into thinking and figuring it all out or it will explode...we go back to the wonderful belief that your life had a purpose, one that we may not fully understand and that our minds cannot fully grasp the extent of it's purpose at this time.  We have to believe that God's way, His purpose and plans are beyond what our earthly minds can fathom.

 

Here is your 15th Birthday picture.  It is our last one of you on earth.  You were doing so well here, it breaks our hearts to think where you were last year, doing so well and now so much has changed.

We love you so much.  We miss you with all our hearts!  Have the best party ever in Heaven and I know you will be the best greeter of all the new kids in Heaven.

spring time...without you...

I spent some time in the yard recently.  The weather is still trying to warm up.  Sunday was beautiful.  How can I help but think of you even more than I always do when I smell the fresh mowed air, see the wind rustling the trees, hear the birds chirping and swirling about.  My mind was overwhelmed with missing you and remembering that your 'would have been 16th' birthday is coming up.
  As I finished up, I noticed the rhubarb plants lined up neatly in a row...through blurry eyes I noticed how nice and lush they are this year...they were calling out to me to harvest some them so I can make you your favorite special mama dish...Rhubarb Cake!  I think I will make this for you on your birthday.  Everyone loves it with the exception of one older brother. 
For your birthday we are making Strawberry Shortcake Cupcakes from scratch for the kids at school.  This will also be for your sister's bday that was not celebrated there as she was with you in the hospital and your brother's bday which is in the summer anyway, so this treat will be made with love, brought on your special day and shared with everyone for the three of you siblings.  This makes mama happy!  Making home made goodies, for you, thinking of you, makes this mama very happy!


Here's a good picture of you out enjoying Spring weather last year on your birthday.  Sorry you still had to wear a mask. You were so close to taking off outside.  Sometimes I wish we had snuck it off more often.

We love and miss you so much and see you in everything around you...although your being gone stings...we find ourselves completely unbelieving that it is real...that you are not here...that you still won't just walk downstairs and say good morning...