washing away

I think one of the hardest thing for any parent but I can attest 'tis true for me, is what I am calling 'the washing away' affect.  You see, when our boy went to Heaven, his clothes went through the wash and haven't come through again.  His fingerprints were on the table where he sat to eat each day, but they have been washed away...

 I haven't washed my wood floor in the family room, in quite some time, well before B went to Heaven.  There I was the other night, finally washing and scrubbing all the dirt away under the table.  I assure you, it was much needed.  Eventually, my mop made it's way under the spot where he sat, his seat....still his seat to us.  Who would have thought it could be so emotional but all I could think was that his food crumbs and shoe scuffs are gone now!  Washed away!!  I just wiped away his lost cells. It may seem silly to you but I though of the many skin cells he must have shed here.  As I wiped, I had this intense feeling, no, a intense reminder of him being a 15 year old boy who lived in this house.  His presence was strong here.  He was part of our home.  He was here, living here, gathering 'things' as we humans do.  I wiped away some of that which was left there under that table.  

I can look around and see many things that will be 'washed away'...as time goes on we will be washing away the evidence of his existence.  It is inevitable.  One day, I will throw away his toothbrush in our drawer...his favorite foods that are in our fridge are gone now, meals I had made for him to eat...one day his favorite shows that we watched together will be over and gone,  things that he was doing here....gift cards that he didn't get a chance to use...one day we will go through his part of the boys room and remove much of what was there...don't get me wrong, I will be saving many special things...it will all be in my Brave Boy Box.  I will go to this box and have a good cry....so I can touch his things and just remember more fully what it was like to have him here, to touch and smell him...

Meanwhile, we continue to grieve and miss our boy.  We will find ways to make his presence felt here with us always. We know he is in our hearts.  We will always have many of his photos and many of his artistic creations continue to be about the house, forever.  His 15 year old face frozen in time forever. Oh how I want to look upon his sweet face always.

Miss you dear one....

Here he is in 'his spot' in Dec of 2011 soon after getting home from a long hospital
stay after, his transplant in Sept.