Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

WAVES~~~~~~~~~~

If I had to choose just one word to describe this process, I think it would have to be ~WAVES~.  The emotions and feelings and memories come in WAVES...   Sometimes you are on a wave, drifting, bouncing..trying to reach out for something solid or something important about our Braveheart...only, one can not quite 'reach' it or articulate the words to describe how it feels...sometimes the waves move you forward, sometimes backward. Sometimes you just stand there and let the waves crash over you and feel the flood release of waves flowing down your cheeks. 

It's been just over 2 weeks and I must admit that I am feeling the absence of our dear Brave Boy more acutely than ever this last week.  Having known him for 15 years, he is truly a part of our lives that has been yanked away.  The other day the children were packing their lunches and there was two bags of Doritos in the chips drawer.  They knew these were off limits because they were Braveheart's chips.  No one even asked for them.  As I heard them shuffling around I told them they could each have one of the bags of Doritos.  (Wave rushing over me)  Of coarse it's logical, automatic...he will not be eating them...but oh...how feelings rushed over me..another reminder that my dear boy was not here and his things will slowly begin to leave our home.  That is one reason I try so hard to take it slow...removing things I mean...he is part of this home, we see and feel him in all the things he left behind...the things he never 'finished'.  The realness is settling in and making it's home.  

In one difficult day, we were cleaning up and I came across B's sandals and shoes that he wore every day.  I hadn't had any reason to encounter them for the first two weeks after he left us.  Oh was that hard.  These weren't just shoes we bought this year or even last year.  His feet hadn't grown over the past year and half so was he was in these shoes for quite some time.  The sandals were a regular part of our easy slip-ons at the hospital.  In addition, I was just running into many of his things over and over,  then to top off all of the 'at home' moments,  I decided to return a pair of pants that he never had a chance to wear at a department store.  That was hard enough, then while I was there, I remembered him asking to go out and walk and shop for Christmas.  There he had been, right where I was walking....is he just around the corner waiting for me to catch up?  This was just a month ago that we were here......This is how I think now.  Pre-Braveheart?  Braveheart memory? Ohhhh...

That night there was a good talk and cry with my sweet hubby, whom I am so thankful for.  So tender does he comfort me, while I know he is wishing so hard that nothing will set him off.  So glad for how much we love each other.  So thankful for the way God just puts barriers around my brain so I don't lose my sanity, even though my mind still isn't easily turned off.  Thankful for all those that pray and help us work through our grief.  Trying daily to draw near to Him......just quiet....missing our precious boy...

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Why MAGNANIMOUS?

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.