Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

4 weeks too long my darling son

Today it's been 4 weeks since Braveheart left us for a better, holy place. Knowing this makes us happy, makes the pain ache less some of the time, gives us hope and comfort, but we are yet flesh and blood and God did make us mamas and daddas with such a very powerful love for our own little ones didn't He? That being the case, I wish I could say that it takes all the pain away, but alas....it just does not. That's ok. He knows that, so thankful for tears that can release a flood of anguish and heartache.

I so appreciate writing.  Through writing I can work through and express my grief. We all grieve differently. I can see a difference in each of my children. Their grieving is personal.  They are all more quiet about it.  Children grieve differently I am being told.  So far, I believe it.  I am so grateful for knowing 'Truths' that we can tell them, so they can be sure that Brother is ok.  So they are not worried about where he is....they know he is totally safe and good.  Serving his King.
 My man and I have been to bereavement counseling twice now.  We went to see if we would find it beneficial.  So far we have found it to be quite helpful in just being able to share out loud and the counselor has returned with some helpful insights to us.
Oh how my thoughts are so unable to be expressed upon this media or any other.  My mind is all jumbled up with memories, regrets, joys, answered prayers, hard work, sadness, love, emptiness.  Yes, emptiness is my new feeling that overwhelms me.  Achiness is another.  My heart aches.  They say that in time it will get easier but that the pain never really goes away.  The double edge sword is that one feels like you must one must 'not' think of him in order to stop hurting, but then you hurt if you try not to think of him, then you simply must think of him because there is a deep need to remember some specific, real moment.  Ugh.
  I am thankful and amazed at how wonderful everyone of you have been. Being left, even encouraged to grieve as needed, not told pat, condescending retorts that only hurt, not running when asked how I am while sometimes they get an honest earful.....just loving us. Missing our precious boy along with us.
We miss our dear sweet Braveheart boy; there is a void that will never be filled until we reach Glory one day ourselves. For now, we plug along, drawing near to God, who draws near to us and to each other in our new normal. The waves still crash....still ebb....we go on living......and loving.....

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Why MAGNANIMOUS?

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.