merry christmas 2010

Merry Christmas..I have so much I want to write but I won't get it all down. I thought 2008 was going to be the worst Christmas of my life with my bald little precious boy home after a near death, devastating trip to the hospital for a horrible chemo drug! Man I know these kids get hit hard, but because they are young they manage to survive at an amazing rate, although not really enough. One moment I was re-evaluating our next homeschool year and getting things in order, the next I am in a fight for my boys life..AGAIN! Now all the thoughts about doing so many mundane things in life seem so pointless. My focus so changed. Sometimes I see pictures of families and for the first time in my life it makes me wish I could just be there in that world where all the kids are healthy.
So much is happening. Since the relapse, I am trusting God more everyday, pleading and thanking Him for healing and guidance. We live every moment with that little deep flutter of anxiety deep inside our gut. Our child's life is in our hands!! Well, we know he is in the Father's hands, but we are the stewards here on earth. We are feeling little tugs of direction. Sometimes that direction is hard to follow, like if you are being asked to walk through a cave full of vicious lions, unsure of what even awaits you/your child on the other side.
Emotions come and go like a roller coaster. Before we were excited to be done and now we are looking forward to more/ worse of the same with no same hope as before. We haven't given up mind you!! Often God fills us with hope between moments of despair.

²²And Jesus answered saying to them, "Have faith in God.

²³"Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.

²⁴"Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.

I am hopeful even now and ask that you pray with me from Mark 11:23, 24

Merry Christmas from our family and may you just love up on those kids a little more today and always, what a gift our children are from God.

it's saturday in the hospital...

day 4 chemo is complete. i can feel all the prayers as people lift us up in His name!!! today was a very good day. i was able to feel the arms of my strong husband around me. i feel stronger, like i can do this with His help...i may be crying tomorrow, but for today i feel peace that flows like a river....

we had a good day..a day that much encouragement was felt. it was almost like nothing bad was going to happen...it was hard to watch the lumbar puncture when they couldn't get in right away like they always usually can..i have an 'extra empathy' gene as it is...now it is late at night and the chemo is going. he finally falls asleep. he's not feeling well. i see the toxic drugs, three of them dripping into his veins. i know they are saving his life and yet causing so much damage..my heart aches for what's ahead..i don't want his head to feel hot and full as the liquid coarses through his blood attacking indiscriminately, slicing, steaming ahead..i will go to sleep now so i can wake him up every two hours so his kidneys stay clear...i will pray that there will be no vomiting and i will thank the Lord for His healing hand..

couldn't sleep last night...i was so tired that i did get good rest considering where i am but then at 4 am, there i was just thinking..thinking...i am not proud of some of the things i think about. we had a good day yesterday, the kind of day where you could almost forget the agony that's ahead. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it all.

sad news today...

We learned today that the 'beast' has returned. My heart is moaning, hurting, numb. I thought, no, truly believed that he was healed!! Inside I am a little angry too, but there is no real time to feel any of it fully. Just can't. Just tired. But B just amazes me. He says the most mature things. He handled the news with all grace ... So very brave. His only hope now is a transplant. I cannot think..I am in shock...

#2 post treatment CT

Today really went quick. The CT was faster than ever with no drinking of ickies...wow...then we get this call from the doc waiting for us when we get home. Calm, friendly voice telling us to call, with a cell phone number, none the less...I think something must be up. Well, the CT is showing some lymph swelling and it could be from the infection but we have to be sure. Numb. There is some hope in that. Wait a minute, I truly believe Braveheart is healed!! I cannot go through this again!! Hey, this isn't about you and your pain mama T. He can't go through this again! I am there for you both daughter. Didn't I just start feeling somewhat normal again? I start to think of what this means and I just go blank. Peaceful resting in Jesus! Please pray Psalm 91 over our family!
In Jesus' name.

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

wordless wednesday!!