Magnanimously homeschooling, worshiping, creating.......

Join us on a journey of faith, healing, learning to live with part of our hearts missing, and recovery, as our family rebuilds our lives, after our son's long battle with cancer....and his eventual rise on eagle's wings into Heaven...victory is his...he is serving the King!!!

Friday, May 29, 2009

on being admitted....

Swimming was fun. I even allowed him to jump into the pool from the diving board. There will be NO diving please sir! His buddies were there and they were doing what all active boys do...try to water wrestle and fake drown each other. "Easy there boys, watch his chest, slow down, please don't hang out in the deeper end this year." Honestly, my nerves are shot for the year, maybe two. Adrenaline, being now my unwelcome, familiar foe in whom I would like to banish forever as it tries to steal from me my essence. But wait...that is mine and His. I can't relax while straining to watch his every move, every head bob, even if he can swim. Decidedly, he isn't up to par in the strength department just yet. I am thankful for his heartfelt compliance.
Upon arriving home showers were mandatory, especially for him, the chlorine just adds to his 'toxic load'. Hey, when you live, breath and eat toxic drugs, one does what one can to keep things going..healing..protected. After the nice warm shower I knew he'd be tired but he was exhausted. He hadn't swam in awhile either so not so unusual you know. He didn't feel quite right and barely touched his steamed buttered broccoli. Thankfully, he did manage a small amount of applesauce. We have to time everything perfectly, doing the chemo dance each and every night.
After cuddling, it was time for bed. He just wasn't feeling right. This is sometimes our normal too. (my foe likes to appear here in small doses) I was concerned though since he rarely complains much but his voice was telling. Soon I felt that he was a little warm as I hugged/ rubbed him good night. Mmmmm....pressing my nose into his baby soft hair is my favorite part of bedtime. The temp is 100.1 which is a mandatory recheck in one hour. Isn't it amazing that there is this signal that something is going on inside our bodies? God's design is beyond our understanding. I prayed...watching the clock...contemplating what was likely to be my lot for the rest of the night. Selfishly I prayed that we could stay home..remembering all we had planned this weekend. I don't want to pack the bags, the car, the supplies, the child, drive in the dark, sleep on their beds and so much more. I know he feels the same. I prayed his temp would go down, playing with thoughts of 'what ifs', all the while knowing that this could be the beginning of something unseen by vision. One cannot wait even if it is a sweet little dream that is never realized.
I wonder to myself how do people do this without the hope of Christ? Will a day come when there is only restful sleep with not so many stomach churning worries as this? I long for the next year to go quickly. I stared from my bed upon the innocent face of my warm, slumbering child. So sweet, so tired. My eyes begin to feel heavy. It is time. The fateful recheck. My heart is heavy as I realize what I now must do and wake Glenn from his blissful rest with the news, hearing his grunt of sleepy concern.......I will come back for the boy in a moment. The suitcase is calling to me....


stacy said...

oh, dear tonya, there is more than one "braveheart" living at your house. i admire you so much...your faith, your strength, your mother's love that will do whatever it takes to get your boy well. praying for you tonight.

your friend from Iowa said...

I second the above post!
Praying for strength and peace and healing! Love you! ~Kari


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Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary of the American Language defines Magnanimity as such:
MAGNANIM'ITY, n. [L. magnanimitas; magnus, great, and animus, mind.] Greatness of mind; that elevation or dignity of soul, which encounters danger and trouble with tranquillity and firmness, which raises the possessor above revenge, and makes him delight in acts of benevolence, which makes him disdain injustice and meanness, and prompts him to sacrifice personal ease, interest and safety for the accomplishment of useful and noble objects.