missing you so

Sometimes life is so busy, but I never stop thinking of you ever! So many memories of you and all the things we did over your life but especially the last year and half that we fought so exhaustively hard you here.  When I drive around, it is like you are there, in my mind, nearly each song reminding me of you, yet I know that if I let my thoughts drift too far then I will lose it....
It's ok to cry and I do, but sometimes one just doesn't want to cry...especially if you are around other people.  I just can't believe you are gone!!  I..we..your daddy and I miss you so very much that it hurts.
Starting home schooling is weird. Now we are a different busy and we can do some more of the activities with other kids, yet I feel strange. I don't always know who knows you are gone. Some people act weird around me or don't know what to say.  Not many people say horrible bad things...I am thankful for that as I have heard some doozies from other people.  I marvel at the unfriendliness of a few that I have tried to befriend.  Oh how my heart is broken in a billion pieces, yet I go on....I go on with a purpose and yet a very real disconnect to this earth and why we are even here.  Heaven and Eternity are my longing, knowing that bad things happen on this broken earth, not knowing all of the why, but being ok with that for now.  So thankful for my other kiddos here on earth to love.
How does one go on whilst one's heart is broken into a million pieces. God holds each piece together each day. He captures my tears.
I often think of the 2 1/2 years we had him before younger siblings came along, I think of what he was like when he was little, such a good boy with a huge heart, such a talker...I used to tell my oldest son that one day he would miss his brother chatting him up in the morning. He does.

I think about how much we wanted him when we got pregnant with him after waiting for so long so hubs could go to school.  I think about how strange it is to have known this amazing young man for 15 years and 7 months and that he had to leave us and how sad it makes me....I got to know him, be with him, care for him, watch him almost die so often then defy the odds, but eventually the sting of death took hold...Heaven is his home now...this boy that I have loved these 15 years is gone...I watched him in his last moments on earth....I watched him sing to the Lord that very day....I held him long after he was gone...

Oh do I miss him so......