It has been just over a week since Bryce has been happily working in Heaven doing something fun and important. These are the thoughts that bring us comfort during times that our hearts are broken. It is a break that is not easily mended, but the prayers and love you all have shown us make a huge difference. Letting me post and remember our boy and work through the grief is a monumental help to this mama, personally. It is still unbelievable, unreal in so many ways. Isn't he just upstairs playing the ps3?
It seems that it helps to just let the waves of grief come and go, hug each other up and work through the hard times that come...like when Bryce's clothes that he wore every day comes through in the laundry. Where is that precious boy who filled them so sweetly???
Oh how my heart ached for parents that lost a child, oh how I empathized with them and prayed for them but oh how one can never quite know the whole way of it until you lose your own child....the many thoughts that jumble up your brain...the strange times your eyes well up with tears. I don't know much, this has never happened to me before so it is all new. This week or day is different than the ones last week or the day before...
Yesterday, we went to church, just the 4 of us...our oldest is out of town and often gone with work and will likely be moving out of the nest fully at some point soon...it is so strange...sitting there, just us...'our family of 4'...it feels a bit like we went from 4 children to 2 in a matter of days. It's an adjustment. Although it does not make us miss our dear boy less, we are so very thankful for having our other children to love and care for and to make up some long lost time and attention.
As we sat there, a song came on, many good songs came on, but I found myself not singing the way I usually do...my heart just wasn't in it...I imagined Bryce belting out a tune..if you knew him you will laugh because you would know that he did that..he loved to sing and he wasn't shy for a second...and I was thankful for my dear other boy Secret Agent who was able to cheer me up with his bright singing. Back to that 'one' song...here are a part of the lyrics:
I'm lost without you,
I'm lost without you.
I'm desperate for you.
I'm desperate for you
this is the air I breathe
this is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me
This song is about our Lord God, but I couldn't help relating the words to my feelings of losing one so precious...because we do feel a little lost and a little desperate at times...realizing as I sang in my heart that this is truly the air we breath right now...it is like that...it is the air our family and many other families breath...but thankfully..His holy presence is living in us...helping us breath....your prayers cover us...we can feel them...thank you.
|Braveheart with his daddy last year...love this photo.|
“I (we) would not move forward if it meant leaving Braveboy behind....No, I (we) do not leave him behind and “move on”, I (we) move forward, with all 4 children....one running a bit ahead…just out of sight.”
Doesn't that just give you goose pimples??