more memories without you

This weekend we went out of town to a basket ball tournament for the Littles.  We stayed an extra night so we could just hang as a family.  It was another milestone since we come here every year but not always with the hubs.  On the way home we stopped to see a magnificent cave.  It was a wonderful experience, one that we will now add to our memories of just four of us.  Our oldest is still around but he is in 'ready to leave the nest' mode and is often not with us for these types of events anymore.
Usually I take the kids, stay with a friend and daddy is home with B.  This time he was not waiting for us when we got home.  Even though he doesn't usually go, he was there one year when he was quite little, or more recently, I would be calling to check on him, thinking of him often.  Then, how strange it was to be making more memories without him.  Every picture that I accumulate will no longer include him...my precious lovely boy.

Oh how thankful I am for the love of these three kiddos I have left.  My love for them gives me purpose.  Hope.  Fulfillment.  They need me..there mama.  Our love for each other keeps my torn heart from feeling quite as empty...it tries to reach around and fill up the empty spaces..although it's task is never completed to it's fullest intent.  There are places that B has left behind, empty in my heart, torn away...but yet he will always be there too.  No one can take that away...not his memories nor my love for him...
To top it all off, I have been dealing with yet another illness.  So, while grieving, I got the upper respiratory flu, then the extreme fatigue, then the stomach bug...which I thought was better until it hit me hard all weekend of our trip with moments of brief reprieve.  Yikes.  All this within 2 1/2 months of B going to Heaven.  It is a bit of a mountain for me, but I am still climbin'.
Missing you my brave boy.....even though I know you are happy and never sad...my heart is feeling you gone...
My hubs said something quite profound today at our bereavement meeting when asked if he felt he had lost joy which was appropriate to what we were discussing at the time.....he said he didn't feel as much that he had lost joy as he had 'gained sadness'.  You see, he had never really been sad like this before, not truly!
I love that man.  I am going to keep him.